life is a highway

sometimes, i feel like my life IS a highway...literally. i think i'm destined to drive on the 5 freeway because when i lived in san diego, i worked in carlsbad (at legoland) and would have to be to work at 6 am...now that i have a job in san diego, i live in carlsbad, still having to be to work at 6 am. it's starting to wear me down a little bit...and it didn't help that this week my "service due soon" light came on, and it's only been TWO MONTHS since i had the oil changed...that just seems crazy to me.

with all the time i spend in the car, it has given me the opportunity to contemplate my life...what i hold important...how i'm going to move on...will i stay in san diego...when can i get a puppy...will waking up early ever get easier...etc. it has also allowed me to listen to some good music, especially country. andrew never really let me listen to country music, so it's kinda liberating to be able to listen to it. i've also made myself lots of "hope" cds that i listen to on repeat to get me through the drive. my car has also been a place of sorrow...it seems like it's one of the only places i can let my guard down and truly cry...sob...cry out to God...ask why...ask how all this happened...when will i feel love and joy again...it's in these moments i feel the heartache that i try so hard to cover up with a simple smile.

my mom sent me an email the other day that encouraged me...as i read through an article about having/healing a broken heart, some key points touched me:

"You can lean in to the pain. Open to it. Feel it. Let it touch your heart and soften you. Accept that you’re on a journey and that it’s leading somewhere, only you don’t know where...When your heart is broken, sure, you may become depressed, but the overwhelming feeling just under it is tremendous sadness, which is tender and gentle. Although it doesn’t feel good (at all), it is earthy, alive, and real. You suddenly find yourself in a world where you can see beneath the surface of things. You can see the reality beyond conventional thought. This is very valuable."

my life IS a highway...and right now, it may seem like i'm going 100 mph, swerving out of control, but really, i'm just a little lost, resting at a "scenic" spot, asking God for directions...