feels like home to me

i've been at my new apartment for a little over a week now and i can't even tell you how much i LOVE it...i love the location, i love my roommates, i love my room and having all my things in one place.

last monday, krysten came down (she's been here for every part of this journey...she's awesome!) and helped me clear out my storage unit and move everything in to my new home. we quickly discovered krysten is the the best packer...you would never know that she struggled with geometry because we got everything out of the unit in ONE trip. my aunt was nice enough to allow us to use her mini van for the day and then i had my car and everything fit! of course, when the unit was empty, we had to have "jumping" pictures...jumping for joy that my things are out of that unit...unit 3041. once we got to my new place, we unloaded everything and just stacked the boxes in my new room. i almost broke down and started crying when my trunk was empty...to know that i won't have to live out my car anymore was the greatest feeling!! my bed was being kept at my uncle's warehouse, so i didn't get that til a couple days later. my roommate, grace, was such a HUGE help! she told me to give her all the kitchen stuff, which was a lot, and she would unpack it and find a place for it in the kitchen. the best part was watching grace open all the kitchen stuff...i'm pretty sure SHE was more excited about some of the stuff than i was when i originally got it. she was MOST excited about the kitchen aid. she likes to bake a lot and hopefully she'll rub off on my a little bit and i'll start to be confident in baking and cooking.

going through the other boxes was another "liberating" process, but it was also VERY difficult...another slap in the face by reality. to know that the last time i packed all this stuff away, i was thinking i would be sharing it forever with andrew, and now i have a new beginning with things that are now just mine. my mind became numb to just throwing things away that were once SOOOOOOOO important and things i thought i would cherish forever...now they serve as evidence of the LIES i was living. i came across a box with the beautiful portraits my uncle took of andrew and i...now they're in the trash, gone forever. just last night, i found all the cards and notes and WEDDING VOWS andrew wrote...gone, threw them away. at one point, i thought about keeping everything locked away in a box, but how would that benefit me? how would it help my healing? it wouldn't...it's gone forever...i just wish all the hurtful memories would eventually banish from my mind. the lyrics from carrie underwood rang in my mind as i unpacked:

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name and I never will
And all your things, well I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame for playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same and, oh no, you'll never change

other boxes were filled with surprises...at some points, it felt like christmas, especially when i was opening my boxes of SHOES!!! awwwwwwwww i forgot how many pairs of shoes i have and hopefully this new chapter in my life will give me that chance to dress up and wear all my fun shoes!

two days after i started moving in, my BED finally arrived!!!!!! it was the best feeling to just lay on it for a few minutes...it was the icing on the cake, really allowing everything to set in that i'm HOME! with some of the store credit i had from bed, bath and beyond, i got a new bed set and other miscellaneous items to help me get settled and organized. bit by bit things are falling into place and my room is coming together.

one of the best things about living with grace is her little dog, lily!! she and i are already great friends and she cuddles with me and hangs out with me on my big bed, and lets me love on her...she's perfect practice for when i get my OWN little puppy someday soon!!

i'm starting to play the piano again, slowly. it's soooo relaxing and soothing...something i really need in my life right now. i'm so thankful for the ability to play and read music and enjoy the piano!

my dad got to come to san diego for a quick visit and see my new place. he was very please to know that me and all my roommates are proud owners of mac computers! he also gave me the inversion table so i can stretch out my spine, plus it's fun to hang upside down :)

today, i decided to explore my neighborhood a little bit and go on a run. i ended up running down to the beach and then down along the cliffs. it was right around sunset, so i sat on the cliffs and watched a beautiful san diego sunset...i loved every moment of it!! AND i even saw the green flash at the end, which i've NEVER seen in the 7 years i've lived out here. it was such a great night!

when i was with andrew, he absolutely HATED change...but this change is AMAZING!!! i can take in a full breath of air and not feel like the life is being sucked out of me...i can breath out confidently with a smile on my face, knowing EVERYTHING WILL BE OK!!!!!