my story

i've decided, it's time. it's time for my story to be heard...it's time for me to share the ups and downs of this journey...it's time for me to move on. i've thought about sharing everything for a few months, and i just feel it's the right time. i'm the type of person that if i have something on my mind, i NEED to write it down in order to move on. sooooo many people have supported me through this past year, and even through my short marriage, and you've probably only known bits and pieces of the terror that i've been through...maybe it was through a generalized comment from me or my family, but it's time.

here i go...(warning: this could possibly be the longest post you ever read)

my relationship with andrew started at point loma. i met him when he was a 5th year senior and i was a sophomore. the first two years at college, i never really dated anyone. my focus was on my academic studies and my relationship with God. i felt that if i remained close to God, in His timing, He would bring the right man into my life...i guess i didn't wait long enough because clearly, andrew was NOT the right man for me. andrew never really pursued me...the best way i can describe it was he kept me attached with a little tiny thread, just enough for me to THINK he cared about me, but not enough for him to commit to me at all...it was twisted from the beginning. in the 2 and a half years i knew him before we got engaged, we attempted to "date" twice. the first time, lasted 3 days and the second time lasted 10 days. i now have the real reasons the dating thing didn't work...it's because i wouldn't sleep with him. he pretty much thought he had it all...he still had me interested in him, a sweet, innocent, christian girl who helped cover up the dark side of his life, and he still had the freedom to fuel his sexual addiction behind my back and sleep with whoever he wanted. there were times when i sensed something was going on, and i even found evidence through his myspace and facebook accounts. that should've been my way out right then, but the thing about andrew was he's a natural con-man...he's so manipulative and conniving that he made me think that i was the crazy one for snooping around and not trusting him and that even the stuff that i did find was nothing serious and it was a result of him just being a "stupid boy."

my friends and family did not understand my interest in andrew, but there was something within me that waited and hoped that something would work out. krysten would even send me cd's of songs and label them "get over andrew vol. 1-however many she sent me." and yet, i still waited. after going though many months of counseling, i think it has something to do with the fact that i WANTED to be wanted...if that makes any sense. i thought if i stuck around long enough, maybe, just maybe, he would want me. i mean, i thought i was a pretty good person, someone with a lot to offer, but the one thing i WOULDN'T offer, was the one thing andrew wanted, and he knew i wouldn't give him that til marriage.

at the end of my junior year, andrew was working as a mail clerk at point loma and we were still just "hanging out" but me still wanting to be enough for me. he told me at some point that he was moving to indiana to live with some relatives who could help him get a job and for him to have a change of scenery for his life. as hard as it was for me to hear that, i knew that maybe this door was closing and, soon enough, another one would open. i still had feelings for him, so to not regret telling him anything, i made him a going away basket. it had a little scrapbook and other things that i thought would help him remember me...and then i wrote him a letter. here's the letter i wrote him:

Andrew-

I’ve been trying to put this day off in my mind for as long as I could…but it’s here and now it’s time for me to accept it. There’s so much sadness in my heart right now, but I know that this is for the best. There have been so many ups and downs in the past year; it’s crazy for me to look back at it. I wonder how we ended up here…I feel more distant from you then ever before…it’s like you’ve already said goodbye to me a while ago. This past month has been soooo hard on me and I did everything I could to hide it. If you think you know me so well, and I think you do, then how could you not see I was hurt? I’m not sure if you were just going through motions or if you were trying to make it easier for you to leave, I don’t know. But then there were some times when I didn’t want the day to end…I didn’t want to leave…how can it be so inconsistent? That’s been the biggest puzzle for me…how one night you could huge me and kiss me and then the next day, talking on the phone, be so stand-offish. What did I do? I don’t know what else to do…I have nothing left. I need you to know that all I’ve wanted was to be a good, loyal, trusting friend to you…be there when you needed to talk or encourage you when you were having a rough day, or pray for you when you didn’t know what you were going to do, but I felt cheated a little bit, like you never fully trusted me or accepted me or appreciated me, and I know you can tell me that you did, but I didn’t feel that way. It was up and down all the time and I have no idea how I have kept everything together. It hurts me to think that one of the reason’s you’re leaving San Diego is because you feel like there’s no one here to build you up spiritually…and that you’re going to Indiana to start over…how do you need to be encouraged? Did I miss something? I think the hardest thing for me to accept is the heartbreak…I trusted you, and with that came trust in the words you said to me and wrote me, but now I have doubts if anything is true. How could I be so naïve? This is what I was so scared of…and this is what I tried so hard to stay away from. I thought you knew how fragile I was…now I’m broken to pieces. Why couldn’t you have just let me go? Why did you keep restoring that little bit of hope in me that made me believe anything could happen? I got in too deep. I feel betrayed…you knew my weaknesses and kept hitting them over and over. I have to tell you all this because I don’t want to have any regrets after you leave…I’ve held on for something that I’m beginning to understand won’t happen, not now, I don’t know if it ever will. I care for you so much and telling you all this isn’t easy for me to do…but I know I need to and I hope you understand. I know this next step in your life willchallenge you more than ever. I just need you to know that I support you and that I’ll be praying for you every step of the way.

i wish i never wrote that letter...i wish i never gave him anything...i wish i just let him leave and he would've been out of my life. but that didn't happen, and he came back to san diego. he got as far as albuquerque, nm and then turned around and came back. and i, of course, took him back. i trusted something had changed in him, and i trusted the possibility of something working out between us. i felt like i had waited long enough...and most people know me as someone who sheds grace and understanding...maybe a little bit TOO much this time. but somehow, i felt this was right. soon after he came back, i told him i loved him...he's the first guy i ever told that to and i thought it was something special. the next nine months were full of hopeful situations...i would see glimpses of andrew's potential as a future husband and i held on to that. i now realize that was my mistake...that was where i sold myself short. i settled for the POTENTIAL in andrew, instead accepting who he really was, with all his red flags.

some of andrew's red flags consisted of...

-his temper: he would become outraged at the simplest things...video games, friends changing plans unexpectedly, fast food places getting his order wrong, people asking him why he didn't like christmas music, his nieces annoying him too much, his sports team losing or mine winning, he would yell profanity in frustration (which i had zero tolerance for), break video games or dvds, even rip his shirt off his body. every time i confronted him about his temper, he would say at least he wasn't taking it out on me, so it can't be THAT bad, but it was.

-his lack of leadership: he was living with his parents when we got engaged, was unemployed for 8 months before we got engaged (got hired at 2 different places, but didn't last longer than a week before he quit), worked as an office clerk at plnu...pretty much had the job handed to him (didn't even have to interview), was unemployed the last year we were together, while i was working 2 jobs, lived with his parents for 8 months (sleeping in separate beds). his spiritual leadership was a joke. he never wanted to get involved with a Bible study because he didn't want to get to know others and he thought it was boring, didn't want to get involved with church activities, didn't want to go to church if there was a good football game on, didn't go with me to a young-marrieds couple Bible study because he thought that all those people were fake, didn't want to pray with me or do devotions with me. such a disappointment...

-his attitude towards children: he loved his nieces and aj and vivy, but every other child was an annoyance to him and he couldn't stand being around them. he joked that he only wanted a boy if we ever had kids, and if we had a girl first, he wouldn't love it as much. when adam and tara lived with the clark's, he only wanted to go and see aj and vivy...not the other four children that lived there. he didn't like my cousin because she clinged to him.

-his relationship with spencer: i don't have anything nice to say about this friendship. they would go out together to clubs and bars and leave me at home...they would drink and smoke clove cigarettes together...spencer was the worst influence on andrew and andrew tried to tell spencer a few times he couldn't hang out with him as much because he was a married man, but that never lasted. spencer put a bad taste in my mouth and still does.

-he hated seaworld: how could i marry someone who didn't like seaworld?? what was i thinking?? he hated going to seaworld, he hated the smell of fish, he hated my coworkers and thought it was so odd that i would want to hang out with people outside of work (glad i don't have to worry about that anymore), and the worst part was he HATED the dream i had to work with marine mammals...he never respected that. he hated the ocean and was scared of the creatures that lived in it.

-he never wanted to "plan" anything: traveling with andrew was a nightmare! first, he never really traveled as a kid, and when we met, he had never been east of colorado. i LOVE to travel and see the world, partly because i was blessed to be able to travel so much growing up...my parents instilled in me the desire to see God's creation and experience other's cultures. when we would go places, he would just want to wonder around...never wanted to plan anything...that's one reason our honeymoon was the absolute worst vacation i have ever taken...more on that later. we took one trip to new york, iceland, paris, and dublin, and his appreciation for everything was so minimal. ohhhhhh and we HAD to eat at mcdonalds every place we went, because that was familiar to him. forget about experiencing local cuisine. i never want to eat at mcdonalds when i travel ever again!

-computer access: even when we were dating, i felt like andrew was on the computer looking at different sites and playing different games, more than spending time with me. it became worse when my parents blessed him with his own laptop...he spent more time on that thing than anything else. the first thing he would do when he woke up was get on his computer...the first thing he would do when he got home from work was get on his computer...the last thing he would do before he went to bed was look at all the social networks he was a part of, sports scores, etc. it was ridiculous!!

-his lack of emotion: andrew never showed ANY emotions and it drove me crazy! i would try so hard to get him excited about something, and i would get nothing in return. i bought him tickets to his first spurs game, my parents got him opening-day padres tickets, birthday gifts, little notes here and there, favorite food...nothing. it got to the point where i didn't WANT to try and do something special for him because i knew he wouldn't appreciate it in the way that would be rewarding to me.

anyways, back to the journey...

after nine months of dating, andrew proposed to me. it was on may 4, 2007. we were both going on a harbor cruise around san diego bay with other seniors from plnu. i was excited i got to get all dressed up and enjoy a nice evening out with andrew...they were few and far between. after we got off the boat, he said he wanted to give me my graduation gift, but needed to run home and get it. he told me he wanted to take me somewhere special...i joked he should drive to vegas so i could watch the bellagio water show, but he chose la jolla cove. he parked along the cliffs and we were walking towards a look-out point and i could see candles lit. i thought to myself someone must be having a romantic date, and as we got closer, my heart started to pound because WE were going towards the candles. there was a table set up with rose petals everywhere. we got there, he handed me one gift...it was the movie "the pursuit of happiness" then he told me to close my eyes and i opened them, he was on one knee and asked me to marry him. i was a little shocked, but said yes. looking back, he never really poured any feeling into it (maybe because of nerves), but he never said how much he loved me or how he would love to spend the rest of his life with me...he never prayed for our future...he didn't tell me how beautiful i looked. the ring he gave me, i never picked out...we never even looked for rings. i always felt i was cheated out of that fun part of looking for the perfect wedding ring, but now it doesn't matter. why did i say yes? why did i keep letting him manipulate my life? it would just continue the next three years.

our families were happy for us...i was happy to plan a wedding. we set a date for november 17, 2007. i was working at shamu stadium that summer, and i remember the trainers telling me how young i was to get married, but i didn't think anything of it. my mom and mrs. hume helped with all the details...the details for the most beautiful wedding. i found a dress i absolutely loved. we took engagement photos, but i pretty much had to convince him to be loving while we got our photos taken...he felt so uncomfortable and didn't understand the reason behind taking these pictures. i handled all the drama from his family pretty well...whether it was his sister who wanted her HAIR to be perfect, or his parents who didn't want to be served alcohol, or his grandmother who didn't want dancing...i somehow handled it.

premarital counseling was a joke! we had tim hall lead us through a workbook, but andrew was never committed to working through anything. there were times we would be walking to tim's office, and he would tell me "you better not bring this up...or i'll be mad at you" and i never brought up the real issues...it was all surfacey...we never worked through anything...just went through the motions. makes me so sick to think all of this could've been avoided if i would've voiced my concerns...but i didn't...i kept silent...still holding on to the potential i saw in andrew.

i remember my dad calling me before he had to send in the final check for everything, making sure i wanted to go through with everything...maybe he had a sense this wasn't the best thing for me...he just wanted to give me an opportunity to back out, but i didn't. i felt i was already committed...too far in. i know there were members of my family that had concerns about andrew, but they saw how happy i was and trusted that i was making the right decision for myself...and they would support me.

the whole engagement period was a little awkward...between the pictures, registering for gifts, his adamant opinion about having the ushers where something besides a tux, the bridal showers, planning my own bachelorette party that only had 4 people at, my parents paying for the bridal party to have a weekend in vegas...things didn't seem right. but i kept smiling and counted down the days til the wedding.

my wedding was beautiful...i will still remember the good parts of that day. having so many close friends together...having all my family there. the church was amazing...the reception was breath-taking. there are moments from that day i will hold forever...mainly between me and my family members. but there were also not-so-good parts. when andrew came back to san diego, i started a journal/scrapbook for him. i wrote that if we got married, i would give it to him on our wedding day. it was FULL of memories together: dates, fortunes from fortune cookies, pictures, little notes, bible verses, movie tickets, sooo much. i put so much love into that book for him. but he didn't appreciate it...he opened it and his reaction was "whoa, this is a lot" and closed it. he didn't even read the first page or anything...nothing. we waited to see each other until i walked down the aisle and when i asked him what his reaction was when he first saw me...he said "i thought, so that's the dress she's been hiding from for so long." nothing about how beautiful his bride looked, nothing about how i was walking down to become his wife...nothing. he wrote his vows on hotel stationary from the marriot...he wrote them the night before the wedding...he REALLY put a lot of thought into them, i can see. when we took communion, i was HOPING he would pray with me, hold me close and have an intimate moment with me and God, but nothing. i wish i would've drank more at my reception...it was such a good party, but i was too worried about if everyone else was having a good time, worried if andrew was comfortable with these people he barely knew. i wish he would've shown more affection on our wedding day, wanting to spend every moment with me, but he didn't.

our honeymoon was a HUGE disappointment. we went on a week long cruise around the hawaiian islands. sounds amazing, right? yeah sounded amazing to me too, but it wasn't. i was so excited to explore a place i had never been, but andrew had different expectations. he just wanted to wake up each morning and hang out and not have anything planned. our first stop was hilo...i would've loved to see the volcanos, but we rented a car and drove around...the highlight of hilo was going to wal-mart and mcdonalds. next was maui...same thing...lots of aimless driving to nothing. we did go to a luau and did about 10 minutes of snorkeling, but i would've loved to dive or parasail or jet-ski, but we didn't do that. next was kona...another great place to snorkel, but we didn't. our day consisted or searching the island for clove cigarettes because andrew felt too stressed and that seemed to calm him. then came kauai and that's the ONE place i planned an excursion. we canoed up a river and hiked to a waterfall, and what do you know...that was andrew's favorite part. imagine that! then came swimming with the dolphins and my friends losing his wedding ring and a dolphin ingesting it...a little ironic now, don't you think. but i LOVED swimming with the dolphins!!

then married life began...

it was a rough adjustment to live together...i don't think i ever got used to living with andrew. we fell into a comfortable routine, which eventually closed us off from the rest of the world. adam and tara were living a half-hour away so it was great to have them close...and boy, did i NEED them.

seven months into our marriage, i discovered a glimpse of his sexual addiction. he was out with spencer, and something inside of me lead me to check his browser history. i found he had profiles on different websites saying he was a "swinger." he had opened craigslist personal adds for various sexual acts and he had entered "free porn" websites, with an interest MILF's...disgusting!! i started to freak out and called my brother. he told me to print out the evidence, grab his computer and get out of there and come to there place. when i got to adam and tara's, i was a wreck!! i was living a nightmare...who was this man i was married to? was i not good enough for him? adam decided to call andrew's dad, archie, and ask if he would go to our apartment with him and wait for andrew to come home from hanging out with spencer. so my brother left and i stayed with tara. we called krysten and she drove down to be with me. tara just held me as i fell to pieces and prayed for me. krysten got there and all three of us crawled in bed and turned on "elf" to help keep my mind off everything. when adam got home, he updated me on what happened during the "intervention." i left adam and tara's and went to lunch with krysten. she asked me what i was going to do and i told her i was going to go home and confront andrew...looking back, that was a bad idea, but i did it anyways.

when i walked into our apartment, he was siting on the couch, and had a printed letter siting on the coffee table. he asked me to read it. he COULDN'T EVEN READ IT TO ME...he just sat there while i read his letter...what a coward. this is what his letter said...

Dear Lisa,

It looks like this is my sort of "important.going to Indiana" letter for you. I am sorry for not being totally open and honest with you about everything. In a way I'm actually very glad that this all came to the surface so that i can get on the road to being the husband that you need me to be. I'm sorry that I haven't done the best job at that.

As for the websites that I visited, I am deeply sorry. I know that seeing those must have hurt you and that's the last thing I would want it to do. I am sorry for creating that stupid "face the jury" thing. I guess I just wanted to see what people thought of me. I don't know why, because some random person's opinion on the internet shouldn't mean anything to me. As for all of the "adult" type websites, I am sorry as well. I don't have a good explanation for that. I just made very poor decisions in my viewing. As for the craigslist pages I am sorry. I want you to know that the very furthest that went was viewing those pages. Again, another stupid mistake. There's no way I could ever do anything with another person behind your back. I know it would eat me up inside and I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I love you too much to turn stupid thoughts into actions and jeopardize our marriage.

I know that for a long time you've been wanting to know my past with girls and since I'm going to be 100% open and honest with you, I'll tell you. (list of girls). I know that's a lot of girls and I am very ashamed of myself for it. That's why it has taken me so long to tell you. I want you to know that none of those girls were random girls that I met at a club or something(LIE). I knew all of them beforehand (LIE). I also want you to know that I don't keep in contact with any of them any longer (LIE). They are in my past and that's where they are staying. I am sorry for my actions before we dated.

Now how do we go about remedying this problem? I think for starters I would go to the extreme that I would get rid of my computer (didn't happen) if it were to make you feel more comfortable. If you didn't want me to do that (why don't YOU want to do that?? it's NOT about ME...it's about YOU!!), I will give you permission to check my viewing history online whenever you want. If ever you see that it is blank, please confront me on it. I will also let you know if I do slip up and look at something questionable (LIE). That is going to really tough, but I am definitely going to work on it. I think that one thing that would help us become closer and by doing so would help eliminate some of those foolish desires is to start doing a little devotional or reading through a book together (never happened). We should do this Wednesday nights before we get in bed. We can start with the book on love that Adam and Tara gave us. Last night both Adam and my dad seemed to think that it might be a good idea to see a counselor (you think??). If you want me to (again, YOU have to want to!), I'll do it. That's a really scary thing for me (it's scary for me to think i'm married to a SEX ADDICT!!), but because I do care about our marriage so much I will go if you think it's necessary. As for going out with Spencer I have decided that I am not gong unless you can come as well (didn't happen). I don't know why I went so many times without you. We are a team now and if I'm going places that I don't feel comfortable bringing you (my other half) then I shouldn't be going there.

As difficult as this whole episode of me screwing up has been, I am glad it came to the surface. Now I feel like I can be totally open and honest with you, which is what I should have been in the first place (you think??). It almost feels as if there's a weight lifted off my shoulders. That one Babyface song puts it pretty well when he says "so girl I'm sorry for the stupid things I wish I didn't do but I do." (LAME!!) I know in the past I've said "I'll never do it again," but I think that with some of the ways I mentioned in the previous paragraph those words will actually come to be the truth (LIAR!!!!!!!!!). I hope that you will forgive me for my mistakes. More than anything, I want you to know that I do love you with all my heart. It kills me to know that I hurt you. I am sorry.

Andrew

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! this stupid letter frustrates me soooooo much!! i hate the fact that i didn't get out then...that i didn't leave him in the dust right then. at that point, i felt that i HAD to forgive him! that i HAD to love him, no matter what. i felt that, as his wife, i HAD to get through this. things were good for a little bit, but still no real big change. he never went to therapy, we maybe read one chapter of that book, and soon enough, he was back to hanging out with spencer. i just became what seemed like a "lame duck" unsure on how i was going to live like this for the rest of my life.

our first anniversary was a disappointment. nothing special. we had decided to buy a nintendo wii together as a gift and we went to el torito for happy hour. i think our total bill was $17...wow!! big spender, i know. he didn't plan anything...didn't get me flowers...didn't look through our wedding pictures...didn't take me somewhere nice so i could dress up...nothing. after dinner, he had 3 of his friends come over and play the wii. i spent my 1st wedding anniversary with 4 grown men playing video games. the worst!

i decided to focus on pursuing my dream of training marine mammals...applying EVERYWHERE. i was able to swim test in san antonio, and andrew agreed that i could go try-out. later, after the HUGE let-down of texas, i asked him WHY he even let me fly to texas to swim test if he NEVER wanted to live there, and he said "i really didn't think they would pick you..." stab in the heart, from the one person who's supposed to support my dreams. anyways, they DID pick me, and now i had to deal with figuring out what to do. i remember getting the phone call from texas, saying they wanted to offer me the job, and getting off the phone and sobbing because i had a feeling in my heart that andrew would never want to move there. they gave me two days to think it through, and on sunday afternoon, andrew said he was ready to move, and that i could take the job. i was sooo excited and nervous at the same time. over the next few weeks, we had many conversations with our family about our decision. i remember one sunday morning after church, we were talking with andrew's dad about what andrew was going to do in texas. i started listing opportunities and his dad interrupted me and said "you know, lisa, this was never andrew's dream...you're dragging him away from his family and the only place he knows." i looked him in the eye, didn't say anything, and turned and walked to the car. ANDREW'S HAS NO DREAMS!!!! he was 27 years old, and still had no idea what he wanted to do with his life...how dare you say that to me!! after that day, things were never the same between his dad and me.

our move to texas was terrible...andrew pretty much cried the whole drive out there. freaked out about leaving his comfort zone...not being supportive about my new job...regretting agreeing to move. we kept all of our furniture and such in storage in san diego...that should've been my first clue that things would not work out in texas. so we just had what we could pack in my car, and it wasn't much. our life in texas was sad...we slept on separate air mattresses...had folding chairs as furniture...at frozen pizzas and waffles a lot. it was tough to fully commit to my new job because i had to deal with andrew. he wouldn't actively look for a job...we were surviving off my $9/hr job and savings. he spent all day on his stupid computer and watching tv. in april (after being there a month), he encouraged me to look for work back in the san diego area. i was torn because i wanted to stay and work through my season, but andrew made my life a living hell and made me feel guilty for wanting to stay. so i looked and ended up finding a part-time job at sealife aquarium at legoland in carlsbad. so my short stay at seaworld, san antonio came to an end in june 2009. we drove through the night, well, actually I drove through the night, and i just remember crying sooooo hard thinking what i was sacrificing. i chose to try and save my marriage and gave up my dream job...what was i thinking!?! i felt my job at seaworld, san antonio, was the first place i felt complete...i felt apart of a team, and i left that behind...it tore me apart.

we returned to san diego to family and friends. we moved in with andrew's parents, who were both unemployed, and his sister lived there too. i soon got another part-time job at seaworld so i was driving up and down the 5 between two jobs. it was exhausting...meanwhile, andrew still was not finding work. it was terrible to walk into that house after a 12+ work day and see his whole family (who were unemployed) just siting there!!

this is when my depression began...i didn't know it at the time, but i was not in a good place. i was on auto-pilot. went to work, did enough to get by, took lots of naps, went to bed alone, sat silent at dinner. all this while andrew STILL didn't find work and spent hours upon hours on his computer.

at one point, we started meeting with marc and ann otto for a few lunches to have them help us with our marriage. they would talk through some things and andrew would get uncomfortable and not want to be there. they would give us suggestions, but andrew didn't want to try anything. we got in more and more arguments and i withdrew more and more. i feared this would be what my life would be like for the rest of my life, but i accepted it.

our friends, rob and jess invited us to go to a young couples bible study formed from our church and i thought it would be a great idea for us to have people to lean on and support us and pray for us, but he never wanted to go...instead he would hang out with spencer. it was so hard for me to show up without a husband and see all these other couples have such strong and fruitful marriages. i yearned for that...but i was sooooo far from ever having anything close to what they had.

our second anniversary came and nothing spectacular happened. i BEGGED andrew to get a hotel somewhere...somewhere we could stay the night together in one bed, away from his parents, but he didn't because he didn't want to put it on his credit card (that I was paying for). so i got home from work and we went to chili's for their 2 meals for $20 special. andrew ended up getting sick that night and that was that. nothing special...nothing.

the holidays came and went...we went to colorado for thanksgiving break. he always felt uncomfortable around family friends...never understanding WHY my family was so close with other families. he didn't like how we would fellowship with other families...that's what i LOVE MOST about being so close with other families...they are apart of who i am and i think of them as family! we spent thanksgiving apart. he got a seasonal job at costco helping with the check-outs and pushing carts. at least he had SOMETHING!! christmas came, and so did the awkwardness of him being at my aunt and uncle's house christmas eve. i don't get it, but he did not like being there. we spent christmas morning with his family, and it would be the last time i would see his extended family. his family isn't that close so it's not a huge loss for me.

we spent new years with our friends, rob and jess. little did i know that in a few short weeks, i would lean on jess to get me through the hardest time of my life, as she also went through tragic heartache.

january 15 came...a day i'll remember for the rest of my life! andrew was working the late shift at costco and i was just hanging out, watching tv. my computer was acting up, so i decided to look up something on andrew's. again, i got a feeling inside me that led me to check his browser history. i found porn sites and decided i wanted to email him and copy and paste the sites so he KNEW i saw what he was looking at. i went to the yahoo! front page to go to my email, and noticed he was already signed into an email account i did not know existed. i opened his email account and discovered an ocean of emails that would prove to me i was married to sex addict, a con-man, someone i didn't even know. as i looked through the hundreds of sent email to various craigslist personal adds, i started to shake. i grabbed my phone and called tara. she picked up, and all i could ask was if her offer to come and live with them was still open. i told her what i had found and at that point i was willing to wait for andrew to get home and confront him. after i hung up, i started going through some of his folders, and opened one that said "old" but it wasn't old...they were all recent emails. they were pictures sent from a phone of a naked girl, others showed her pleasuring herself with titles like "thanks to you" then i found pictures that andrew had sent back to this mysterious girl...equally as disturbing. my world came crashing down...i started shaking. i called my brother and told him what i found, and he very calmly instructed me how to take still photos of his inbox and email them to myself, and then he told me to pack as much as i could and LEAVE...GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE...IT IS NOT SAFE FOR ME TO BE THERE ANYMORE!!! i hung up, now crying and shaking, i franticly began to throw everything into my suitcase and lug everything down the stairs to my car. it was around 10:30pm and i knew andrew would be off at 11pm. i took 4 trips up and down the stairs right outside of andrew's parent's door, and not ONCE did they come out to see what was going on...i left without looking back.

as i was driving, i called marc otto and told him i left andrew, and his response to me was "i'm proud of you!" he prayed with me and i continued the drive up to adam and tara's and joey and kacy's house. andrew started calling, and i ignored his calls. he sent me a text and i responded with "i'm safe with people who love me." then i finally answered his call...he started apologizing and i told him i had a lot to think about and hung up. adam was waiting outside for me when i showed up...waiting for me with open arms and he embraced me, held me...i'll treasure that moment forever...the loving embrace of an older brother...a brother who was there for me when i needed help. i walked into their house and tara was there, tears in her eyes, welcoming me into their home, remembering the last time i showed up broken into pieces. i removed my wedding rings that night, and never put them back on...

i barely slept that night. too many questions were filling my mind. i HAD to write them down, and this is what i wrote:

Today is the first day of fighting for the rest of my life. Andrew, I'm not sure if you'll ever read this, not even sure about tomorrow- I know nothing about the future and if we'll make it out of this, but I need to write things down, feelings down, in order to somehow keep it together. You have shattered my heart and all that I am. The information I found on your computer felt like a million knives going through my heart and sooooo many questions- why would you do this AGAIN!? But there's so much more this time around- so much more. Who are all these girls you emailed? Who are the pictures from? Why did you send pictures back? What were you thinking? Did you only go to the gym and get in shape so you could advertise yourself and make it look better? Why? Why me? Why choose me to take down into this dark hole? Was what we even had these past two years real? Obviously not! Why hide this from me for so long? Why couldn't you be honest? Why so long? I saw emails date back since early July- how could you live with yourself like that for so long- and lie to me EVERY SINGLE DAY WHEN YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME- but then go and commit adultery later and continue to there after? WHY???? How many girls have there been? Why did you ever marry me? Why me? Why take my whole life away from like this?

I HAD to leave you, Andrew, and I don't really care if you understand why. You broke your wedding vows you made to me in front of God- MANY TIMES! I don't deserve this- I really don't. This is NOT how I imagined my life. I'm so empty and alone right now- because of you- you've failed me is sooooo many ways and you've crushed me. Right now, the only way were still married is "legally." It's going to be a LONG journey to try and make it- survive this massive disaster.

You keep telling me how sorry you are, but I don't know if you are- or you wouldn't keep doing all this to me. Do you even realize HOW MANY CHANCES I'VE GIVEN YOU?? TOO MANY!! I think you're sorry you got caught- maybe one day you'll have a better understanding about how exactly you've hurt me- but it'll be a while- if ever.

Praise God for the support I have through all this- they are able to reaffirm I AM doing the right thing, they're able to pray with me and for me, give me a hug when I'm sobbing my eyes out or just sooo mad and frustrated with you. They are there to listen to me and encourage me and TRULY LOVE ME!! Praise God!!

"Above all, clothe yourself with LOVE, which binds us all together in perfect harmony." Colossians 4:14

What will become of all this? Only God knows...

krysten was out of town when all this happen, and i decided to call her the next day because i didn't want to ruin her trip. she answered and she was at a game night. i told her i left andrew, and she said "what?" and i said he was unfaithful to me...she started crying...she was crying for me...for my broken heart. she said through her tears that i didn't deserve this and she would be there as soon as she could...she has never failed me...she's been there for me every step of this long journey...every step. she waited in the lobby when i met with andrew and a counselor for the first time, she stayed with me early on so i wouldn't feel so alone at night, she was there when i told andrew i was going to file for legal separation (we drank wine coolers at a park to relax me), she was there when i met with andrew to tell him i was filing for divorce (we had margarita's and champagne), she was there with me on november 17, and on december 8 to file the last papers.

The next few months would be full of uncertainty. i agreed to see andrew, only in front of a paid counselor; however, this counselor pushed reconciliation from day one, and i still didn't know if that was the path i wanted to go down. i sat down with andrew and marc one afternoon in february and andrew told me EVERYTHING!! from the very beginning, he told me everything. when he told me about his one-night stands, i went numb...how could things get any worse? it was 4 hours long...4 hours of him explaining his addiction. i was still in communication with andrew through phone calls and text messaging and a couple dinners. it wasn't until marc encouraged me to see my own counselor that i realized i was rewarding andrew's behavior by communicating with him so much.

my decision to see my counselor literally saved my life. she was able to help me set boundaries with andrew. she was able to help me separate myself from the life i was living and REALLY see what i had been through...the darkness i had been living in for the past 3 years. she helped me see andrew's expert manipulation, his lies, his deception, his betrayal, his failures. she helped me break through my thoughts that marriage was forever and i HAD to stay...even under these circumstances. at one point, she compared my progress to POW's she worked with...ultimately surviving through the hardest time of my life, escaping the destruction andrew caused. each week, i was gaining more and more understanding of what i had lived through. i had many conversations with marc...he helped with the biblical understanding of divorce...for so long, i was afraid God would think less of me if i chose to divorce andrew...that i would be less of a christian, but i'm not the one who cheated, was disloyal. this is what marc wrote for me regarding divorce in a christian community:

"I believe divorce is a biblical option for marriages when physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual and/or relational neglect constitute an environment where the image of God within a person is damaged and/or being destroyed. Furthermore, I believe that divorce may be a viable option when the continuance of a marriage prevents healing and sustains an abusive environment. The biblical standards for marriage are extremely high and Jesus' teaching about divorce is that is should never be used as an option to get out of a tough situation in ways that may have been used by some Jewish people abusing Mosaic law. Nevertheless, Jesus' standards of loving others is high as well and when a relationship creates an ongoing abusive environment which threatens the possibility for love, then Jesus may see separation and possibly divorce as the most loving option to protect two individual's hearts. Much of Jesus' teachings about the law have to do with ensuring people doing things for the right reasons behind the law, perhaps we might call this reasons of the heart, rather then a blind obedience to the law. In this way, Jesus says, "I've come not to abandon the law but to fulfill it." He was chiefly interested in creating a community of people that would build the kingdom of heaven here on earth through the chief law of loving God and others. If a marriage prevents someone from really love God and others, then divorce my be appropriate, but only following wise, godly counsel, faithful efforts to restore the marriage, and a sense of peace from God through prayer in the couple involved, and the people surrounding the marriage."

these were some of the tough questions i struggled through in my many conversations with marc, adam, joey, tara, kacy, and my counselor...

"What other's will think of me if i divorce andrew?

What's my biggest fear about heading for divorce?

What decisions about my relationship right now will give me the greatest success in 20-30 years?

How do i proceed without having major regrets?

Am i capable of fully loving another person without regrets of losing andrew (falling in love with God's complete blessing)?

How would God feel about divorce in this situation?

How long do i stay in limbo situation before i know my marriage will/will not work?

My greatest fear right now is giving up on marriage too soon...

I'm embarrassed about marrying andrew...

**key work spiritually will be forgiving myself..."

At the end of march, i met with andrew and his counselor for the last time...i told andrew i was going to file for legal separation. he cried through the whole session, and i remained strong, letting him know this was what was best for me...for us. up to this point, all my parents knew was that i was staying with adam and tara while andrew worked through some issues. i wanted to protect andrew IF there was any hope of getting back together. i broke down and called my mom crying...reality had set in and i needed my mom. i wanted her to fly out, to give me a hug...she started asking all these questions i didn't want to answer...i just wanted her to get on the first plane to san diego and come see me. but she couldn't, and i knew it. i told her i was going to file for legal separation...she didn't know the extent of all the details, but she was supportive.

i never filed the legal separation files...the words "dissolution of marriage" scared me, but at this point, i had zero contact with andrew, and i was finally beginning the healing process. during one of my conversations with marc, i asked him if he thought andrew had the the ability to break my heart again, and with no hesitation, he said "absolutely." that was the turning point of my thought process...i didn't want to fight to save this marriage and live the rest of my life waking up and wondering "is this the day that andrew's going to shatter my heart??" let alone bring any children into the world. i knew what i had to do...

the beginning of may, i met with andrew and told him i was going to file for divorce. he began crying and told me he was not supportive of my decision...that this wasn't fair. well, it wasn't fair to me when you were looking at all those girls and making the decisions you made during our short marriage!! he wanted to talk things through, but there was nothing left to say. he gave me a stack of letters he had been writing to me since the day he found out i was filing for legal separation...i've never read one of them. my counselor read the first and last one and said there was nothing profound in them, so i keep them unopened. all andrew wanted from the divorce was his computer...the computer that fueled everything...the computer i wanted to throw off a cliff...the computer my parents gave him...that's the ONLY thing he cared about getting back...of course. i wrote him a letter...this letter would tell him my reasons for choosing this path...depicting the life i had been living with him.

Andrew,

I keep thinking back to that afternoon where you sat down and told me ALL your secrets…ALL your issues…ALL the lies you’ve hid from me, and I realized I have never been able to tell you ALL the heartache and heartbreak you’ve caused me. I recently attended and watched a WEC fight, and although it was really hard for me to watch at the beginning, as the fights continued, I couldn’t help but think this is a visual illustration of how I’ve been treated the last 5 years. In one fight, a guy was pinned down on the ground and continually punched in the face…he made it out of the round, but that image will be in my mind forever because that’s how I’ve felt with your betrayal, lies, deception, and manipulation.

Early on in our relationship, I didn’t see the punches flying at me too clearly. I ask myself “why did he even come up to me and introduce himself? Why did he even ask for my name? why did he feel like he had to destroy MY life?” I felt like I pursued you, for some odd reason. I was a naïve, innocent little girl, getting sucked into your life of darkness.

I ignored the red flags…your instability, your lack of initiative, you were living with your parents, you said you were a Christian, but didn’t actively follow Christ and His teachings, your myspace profile and all the trashy girls you were friends with…and then the punches started flying and they would never stop until the day I moved out of your parent’s house.

Every time you had sex with one of your “friends with benefits” or had one-night stands, while you were still leading me on, making me believe you liked me…punch in the face. Every time you would go out with Spencer to a bar or club and not invite me because it was “guy time”…punch in the face. The countless myspace messages I found in your inbox that described your sexual promiscuity and your explanation was “I’m just a stupid boy”…punch in the face. All the girls you communicated or flirted with through IM or facebook chat, or yahoo chat or gmail chat or text messages…punch in the face. AND when I confronted you about the chats or the text messages and you got defensive with me and made me feel bad for even asking you…punch in the face. The first time I took you to SeaWorld to show you what I love and am passionate about, and you didn’t even want to touch a dolphin or watch any shows…punch in the face.

There were little things that slowly broke me down too. Your lack of emotion and appreciation for the littlest things…punch in the face. The countless hours I put into making the scrapbook I gave you on our wedding day or the memory box I made you for your 25^thbday or the picture book I gave you before you tried to move away to Indiana…you showed nothing in return and that crushed me more than anything. Every gift I gave you, I would hope for ANY reaction at all…like when I gave you Spurs tickets, or Padres opening day tickets, or sports jersey’s, or my parents gave you a laptop…nothing. It got to the point where I didn’t care anymore…you sucked one of the best qualities out of me…my gift of giving.

When we got engaged, I was in love with the person I believed you were…not the person you truly were…and if I would’ve know who you really were, I would’ve never married you because I deserve someone better.

There were times during our short engagement where you continued to punch me in the face. Your lack of interest in wedding details…just seemed like you didn’t care, and if you did, you never communicated that to me. Premarital counseling was a JOKE!! You must’ve thought you were getting away with the crime of the century without telling me about your hidden life. Every time I asked you about your past relationships and you refused to tell me…punch in the face. When I asked you if you had ever watched porn and you said “no”…punch in the face. Every time you would let your temper/aggression get the best of you and blow-up in front of me or cuse at me…punch in the face.

We got married…made vows before God and our family and friends. That day was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, now it’s a day I wish I could erase from my mind forever. I wish you were a spiritual leader…one who would’ve prayed with me the night before our wedding to calm my nerves, one who would’ve prayed while we were at the Alter taking Communion, our first act as husband and wife, one who would’ve prayed before our wedding night…but none of that happened.

Our honeymoon was a disaster…no communication and nothing planned. Most of the time I was bored out of my mind. Now knowing all your secrets, I wonder how many girls you lusted after even on our honeymoon…what a thought. The day we spent in beautiful Kona, searching for those stupid clove cigarettes, while I could’ve been Scuba diving or snorkeling…punch in the face. Or the day on Maui we could’ve gone parasailing or jet-skiing, but you didn’t want to spend the money…punch in the face.

We got home and began our married life together, and I soon found out I had HPV, a STD. I had to go to the doctor’s by MYSELF and have the most painful procedure done EVER, and where were you?? Not with me…not holding my hand as I cried out in pain, the pain your past decisions caused me…you weren’t there for me…punch in the face. And yet, you still would not tell me about your past sexual history. Every time you left me at home to go hang out with Spencer…punch in the face. Every time you refused to go to Bible study with me…punch in the face. Every time you decided not to go out with me somewhere I was invited by a group of people…punch in the face. Every time I went to bed alone…punch in the face.

And then I found out your secret…but you still refused to get professional help…punch in the face. Every porn site you have ever opened…punch in the face. Every craigslist add you have EVER responded to…punch in the face (just take a minute to think about how many punches that really is…every single one). Every girl you’ve ever lusted after at the gym, or the grocery store, or the mall, or the beach, or out with Spencer…punch in the face. That letter you wrote me, the one that supposedly had all the lies revealed and later found out that it didn’t…punch in the face.

This past year was the worst…I don’t know how I survived so long. Your lack of support and understanding for my career dream…punch in the face. The fact that you made me GIVE UP MY DREAM to save a marriage that never really was a marriage…punch in the face. Moving in with your parents, sleeping in separate beds…punch in the face. Working TWO jobs while you didn’t work at all…punch in the face. Meeting with Marc and Ann to work on our relationship, but then not following through with suggestions they gave us…punch in the face. Every time you went to hang out with Spencer and not have a “date night” with me…punch in the face. Each morning you would wake up and the first thing you did was check your computer…not give me a kiss good morning or anything…punch in the face. The fact that you would rather be on facebook or twitter than talk to me sitting right next to you…punch in the face. When you told me you thought Adam and Tara’s relationship was fake, or not normal…punch in the face (their relationship IS what marriage is supposed to be like…and maybe one day you’ll understand that). And the last punch I had to endure at that end of the round was when I found the emails and pictures you had sent to other girls…

I’m tired of being punched in the face…I’m done. I don’t trust you anymore, I don’t love you anymore, and I don’t think I ever can. I’m happy if you are getting your life together and becoming a Godly man, but it came at my expense and that’s not ok with me. You took sooooooo much from me, just so you could shatter my life and tear me down. The verse that I found early on in this process has encouraged me these past few months. "I am a precious child of God, cherished and adored. God has a wonderful plan to heal my broken heart and bring beauty from ashes. (Isa. 61:1-3)" God’s plan is to restore my life, heal my heart, and you will not have any part in that process. I’m sorry it’s come to this point, but please respect my decisions so we both can move on with our lives.

I saw andrew for the last time on june 5 to sign the divorce papers. i was able to file for summary dissolution because we had been married less than 5 years, didn't have debt together and were able to separate our property pretty easily. i remember crying after he gave me the documents, thinking i gave him so many chances, it's too bad he couldn't have learned form just ONE of his mistakes. i went to the courthouse and filed the papers on june 8...and the 6 month waiting period began.

during this tough time, i was blessed to live with an amazing couple, reid and jannee. God was definitely looking after me by introducing them into my life. i met them through a Bible study i started attending while living with adam and tara. when adam and tara moved back to colorado, i wasn't sure where i was going to live. reid and jannee graciously opened their home to me and accepted me as part of their family. i had a bedroom upstairs where i could unpack my suitcase and have a place of my own. i felt safe in their home...they never pushed me to share what i was going through, but they were always there to listen if i needed to talk or pray with me or cry with me. jannee was a life-saver...she had been through a similar situation in her past, and i was able to ask her tough questions that not many people were able to answer...she was there to sympathize with my uncertainties, my regrets. she was able to help me with all the paperwork, checking it over for me. she was able to encourage me and tell me there WOULD be light at the end of the tunnel and God would remain faithful to me. to live with reid and jannee gave me HOPE...hope that good can come from a bad situation. they have a wonderful, fruitful marriage and now have a little newborn. what a testimony for me to witness!!

after living with reid and jannee, i was able to house-sit for some friends. it was my first time living alone...silence. i was free! this gave me a taste of what i'd been waiting for...the short 6 weeks i was at that house gave me hope that i COULD make it on my own, and be happy! i could cook for myself, watch any television show i wanted, and go to bed when i wanted. it was an important step in this journey...

In the past 6 months, i've been able to fully live and regain my independence...independence i took for granted before all of this. i was able to lean on close friends and family to help get my life stable. there are still days of weakness, when i still wonder "why?" but somewhere deep inside, i know that someday i will see the light through all this darkness and understand WHY i had to go through this journey. december 8th was my liberation day...the day i got to walk into the courthouse and finalize my divorce. it was a relief and also emotional knowing i am now apart of the 50% statistic that got divorced. i thought that would NEVER happen to me...but it did and i'm so happy to be free from nightmare in my life.

I am still traveling through this journey, still hurting, but i am also growing. i am going on dates with guys, but with a very guarded heart. through all this, my standards are set pretty high for my next relationship...i know i'll never settle! because of everything that has happened, my family is VERY protective of me, wanting to make sure i don't make the same mistake i did with andrew, which is a good thing in the long run, but i just want to LIVE now...not worry about another marriage or relationship...i just want to wake up, breathe in the fresh air, and LIVE!!! and i'm hoping they can respect that and trust me and not worry about me as much.

i've had amazing support this past year through all of this. so many people sent me cards and emails and messages, encouraging me keep going and telling me how proud they were of me. i would have lunch or dinner with close friends, reaching out and telling me i can keep going...even coworkers, coming along side of me, not knowing the depth of this journey, but still being supportive. i have amazing roommates who listen to me when i need to vent or have a bad day, and a loving family who has given me so much wisdom and grace this past year. i have been blessed beyond words...praise God!!

"When some time has past us, and the story is retold...It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul..."