broken dream

writing this post will be very therapeutic to me.  i considered going shopping, but don't have the finances to do so...i considered having some wine, but would wake up tomorrow morning still hurting.  i've had a lot of hurt in my life, but this hurt is reoccurring...it's the heartache of a broken dream, another door closed, more time dwelling on the "what if's..." of life and "why not me?" or "what have i done wrong?"

i got another call from seaworld this morning, another call telling me i didn't get a job...THE job.  this was the fifth phone call i have received from HR in the past 2 months verbally telling me i'm not what they want...i'm not the right individual for the job.  i joke with myself thinking HR probably has my phone number on speed-dial by now with a red "x" through my name.

i wandered over to rocky point today at work, where a dozen girls have MY dream job.  i didn't watch the dolphins, i didn't watch the guests interacting with them, i watched the trainers.  i saw the joy on their faces, the twinkle in their eyes and hoped they realize every morning they get out of bed how lucky they are to work with these amazing animals.  i hope they realize how blessed they are to be CHOSEN, to be WANTED and ACCEPTED by this organization.

i don't know if people can really identify with my heartache, maybe in different ways.  i meet people who absolutely LOVE their job, who can't wait to go to work in the morning, who have set goals for themselves and work hard and reap the  benefits.  i say to these people, congratulations, i'm still in the "working hard" stage.  i don't know what it feels like to love my job, to feel valued, to feel like i've made it and all i've been dreaming about and working towards since the 2nd grade has paid off.

but i'm slowly losing hope...
i feel myself giving up...

but i really don't want to.

every time i go in for an interview, i think maybe this will be IT!  maybe the words that come out of my mouth will touch these people's hearts and they will SEE that i DO deserve this job.  through the waiting period, i go over in my head what WOULD happen when i get that phone call.  what my reaction WOULD be, how i WOULD tell my family, how i WOULD fall on my knees and cry out PRAISE to God for FINALLY allowing me to reach my goal, to restore my faith that good things DO happen to good people and to those who wait.  but i haven't gotten that phone call yet...

i know there's people who get this opportunity, this dream job handed to them multiple times.  they leave one company and get hired at another. or they make such good connections that they can get their boss to call another boss and get hired.  and all i wish for, all i PRAY for is for God to open up the right opportunity at the right time.

why is it taking sooooooo long?????

why.

so now what?  where do i go from here?

i'm encouraged to look at other companies, at other jobs.  and i will.  but right now, at this moment, i feel defeated.  and the tears pouring from my eyes are tears mourning a broken dream, my broken dream.