the truth hurts

so many of my friends and family have encouraged me over these past few months...reinforcing the strength i've shown and the way i've been able to survive through this storm. but the truth is, i'm not that strong...i still don't know how i make it through each day...i still don't know how i get out of bed in the morning...how i can close my eyes at night and sleep. i feel like i've been on auto-pilot, trying to distract myself with anything possible. at first, the distraction was easy...i was in the comfort of family and i had my amazing nephew and niece and extended family friends to lean on. now i feel the loneliness more than ever...the quiet times doubting if i'll make it through...having the millions of questions run through my mind wondering how i ended up in this dark scary place all alone. i just found out today that i won't have any weekend days off when i transfer to full time and that terrifies me more than ever. i survive the work week knowing i can see krysten on the weekends...that's what gets me through the week. now that security is gone and i don't know what i'm going to do. i also need the security and support of a church body...i need to find a church where i can fit in...but i feel like that hope has been shattered with the news of working sunday's...WHY WHY WHY!?!?!?

to all my friends and family...i do appreciate your encouragement, but this healing process is slow. i'm still hurting, even though on the outside i may seem ok...it's my defense mechanism...to put a smile on my face and go through motions...to try and convince myself that i AM ok...but i'm not. it's ok for you to acknowledge the pain.

tomorrow is another painful day. i'm meeting with andrew to sign summary dissolution papers...to finalize the unthinkable...to make this nightmare reality. please pray for God to give me strength for i am very weak right now...pray He wraps his loving arms around me and keeps me safe. once the papers are filed with the court, the 6 month waiting period begins (krys, i'll need a sticky-note countdown please)

I will wait for You there
Down On my knees where I met you
Cause life is a war fought with tears
But You are the strength I hold onto now
I’m calling for you (lyrics from "I will wait for you there")